f a i t h * i n * f i c t i o n: Coming Out of the <i>Wardrobe</i>

f a i t h * i n * f i c t i o n

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Coming Out of the Wardrobe

I am not excited for The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I will forthwith enumerate ten reasons why.

1. CGI-world overdose. Saw all three LotR movies on the big screen twice. (Once, regular price. Once at the cheap theater, lest you begin calling me Legolas.) Bought the extended edition DVDs and watched them. To paraphrase Dwight Baker, "I need another overwhelming fantasy world right now like I need twins."

2. Likewise, I don't feel the need to see anymore massive, computer-controlled battle scenes between humans and meta-humans. White Wizard, White Witch, it's all the same.

3. The build-up to this has been predictable and, frankly, boring. Wow, a new scholarly study on the series! How...original. The promotional machine at this point is calculated and mechanized. Nobody wants to be caught without a tie-in "product" and the glut is staggering. LotR seemed more spontaneous and "heartfelt" in a way. Same with The Passion, regardless of what you felt about the film.

4. Nobody mentions the fact that two of the books in the series, Prince Caspian and The Horse and His Boy, are not all that good. (Maybe nobody mentions it because it's just my opinion. But c'mon! Prince Caspian is weak and The Horse and His Boy has pretty unsavory racial overtones.)

5. Turkish delight? You're going to sell out an entire world and your siblings for Turkish Delight? It's rose water and cream of tartar!

6. Already noted: "good/safe lion" allusion abuse.

7. How can you have a soundtrack "inspired" by the book and not include atrociously underrated early-90s Christian rock band poor old lu. Did Rebecca St. James name herself after something in the book? No. Would it have hurt to put "My World Falls Down" on the record instead of yet another Stephen Curtis Chapman song?

8. "Always winter, but never Christmas." This is my life. I live in Minnesota. It's like this ALL YEAR AROUND. It's not a pithy metaphor, people! For the love of all that's good, please can't it just get above 15 degrees!

9. I'm just one of those jerks who jumps off bandwagons when they get too full, goes and listens to their new Marah album, and feels warmly self-important about being iconoclastic.

10. The big man himself didn't think it was such a good idea, and he's been known to be right on a few things now and then. (Side note: I really want to write a letter someday that uses the word "buffoonery" with such panache.)

So that's it. I'll likely see the film and likely enjoy it greatly. And then I'll just quietly jump back onto the bandwagon, earplugs in, volume cranked so the newest album from The Wrens drowns out all of you pointing and shouting "Told you so."


BHP has it's Christmas party tonight. Very exciting. It's like work, only with more crushed ice and more awkward silences as you try to remember names of spouses you only see once a year.